Here I go...

It’s funny I’m just getting around to posting this, and many of you probably already know, but Peter got laid off from his job about three months ago.

We’ve had our ups and downs, and have been extremely blessed despite the difficulties that come from unemployment, but I haven’t had a desire to post about any of it up until now. I guess I still haven’t figured out exactly what my blog is. I mean, if it were really a family journal then every person who sees my blog would know the good the bad and the ugly. I try to keep as much “bad and ugly” out as possible, probably because I am generally a positive person and like to share positive things. But ever since Peter lost his job I’ve thought a lot more about the importance of sharing our (not so great) experiences with others.

For one thing, we are only one of many families who are going through the exact same thing in this deteriorating economy. For another, I believe it is good for people to realize our life isn’t perfect… that while our life is, in summary, good, we still have struggles and challenges just like everyone else. Maybe something I post will bring hope to someone else, or at least make someone feel like they are not alone in their own individual struggles. I read many blogs that inspire me everyday, and I always appreciate the honesty and sincerity that I find there.

So, with that being said, here is an excerpt from our (real) family journal that I wrote in today. It was how I felt in the moment, and I feel much better even since I wrote it, but I would like to share it anyways. At least it will help give some update on what is currently going on. Enjoy!

6.9.2010 (Amber)
Well gee, we’ve really been on a roller coaster since the last entry. The job in Orange County fell through, along with the one that was a possibility in northern California. LA didn’t contact us for a long time, and during that time no jobs were coming up in the west, if anywhere else, and we became discouraged. Then, LA did make an offer, though not a great one, and the more we learn about the job (from a current employee and what other details we know), the more unappealing the job sounds. Our common sense cannot bring us to say yes to the LA job. If the Lord says GO, we will, but if it is up to us, we are saying “no” right now.

Amidst all this, there was a job posted for a Prosthetist at the VA in San Diego. Peter was really excited about this and spent a lot of time and effort into his application/resume. We were hopeful, but knew he would have some fierce competition. Then, they called to set up a phone interview and our hopes sky-rocketed. We really felt like this was it. There are a lot of reasons we think the VA would be a good fit for Peter, and who wouldn’t want to live in San Diego? Well, we didn’t hear anything and we didn’t hear anything, and every day my hopes dropped a little more. Today Peter called them and found out they had chosen someone else.

Talk about a HUGE disappointment. Major. I honestly have just felt so fragile lately, like I can’t handle any more disappointments. We’re trying SO hard to do what is right and so hard to be faithful and do our part. The Lord has answered our prayers, and has led and guided us. I know that too. And I know I need to pick myself up and be positive and say “something will work out.” But this time, I just don’t feel that way, at least not right now, not today. Today I feel like crying. Today I feel like giving up. Today, I want to curl up in a ball and never move. It’s a good lesson for me, I guess. I’ve been so positive, so confident up to this point that things were going to work out smoothly. This feels like the real test, for me at least. Am I going to continue faithful and hopeful? Am I going to keep praying hard, attending the Temple, reading my scriptures and relying on the Lord for everything? Because sometimes, that’s easy for me to do, a piece of cake. I guess it has always come naturally for me. But when things get really tough, when I feel I can’t keep going, will I? Honestly, I don’t want to think too much about it today. I’m going to revel in my moment of weakness for a few hours, and wake up in the morning with a fresh start. I’m still very far from perfect, and our trial is what it is, a TRIAL. So, to answer my own questions, I’m sure I’ll keep going, keep trying, keep falling and getting back up. But just not today.